House Plants, Paddy Wagons, and Women of Ill Repute

When I was 22 years old, I was dumb. My ex-roomie was a girl named Champagne. At 21, Champagne was wild. Her life was like a slow motion train wreck; I wanted to look away but I couldn't because I didn't want to miss what was going to happen next. So, when she arrived at my place at 2 a.m. one hot North Carolina night with her new guy Leroy at the wheel, and asked me if I wanted to go shopping for house plants, I said, "Sure." Remember, I was 22 and I was dumb.

The car was one of those Cadillac's from the mid-seventies that was so long that it could be called a land yacht. It was a big car, just the right size for Leroy. He was sitting in the driver's seat, passenger's seat, and the back seat-- all at the same time. For Leroy, the Cadillac was a compact. I squeezed into the back seat behind him like a mama in a corset.  

Our first stop was the place with the Helpful Hardware Man. The Helpful Hardware Man who had not yet had the pleasure of meeting Champagne. This was the night that Champagne had discovered that she wanted to have a green thumb. The Hardware Man had been helpful enough to leave his entire inventory of house plants outside the store conveniently on the curb. Champagne hopped out of the hooptie and helped herself.

Inspired by her example, I realized this was the perfect opportunity to return a rubber tree plant I had purchased from K-Mart two days before it died in my living room. At this point I'm thinking, "Exchange!" Without all the paper work, the waiting in line and explaining that I didn't murder the plant, that it was suicide.

We rush back to my place to drop off the beginning of Champagne's garden and fetch the worldly remains of the late, great rubber tree plant. It was a short ride to K-Mart. I was glad to see that there were rubber tree plants still in stock. Leroy took the dearly departed rubber tree plant from the 'cars trunk', and returned it to the potted rubber tree plant forest. I was content to make an equal exchange, a living rubber tree plant for a dead one. But Champagne suggested that I upgrade and go for the 9ft jumbo potted rubber tree plant. Taking into account my inconvenience, I could see her point. The trunk of the Caddy and the trunk of the rubber tree plant was 9 feet long, giving the Caddy a plume of 3 feet of excess rubber tree plant. Maybe that was too much. At least the police seem to have thought so, giving new meaning to the phrase, 'Blue Light Special.'

Officer Friendly explained to me that he knew Champagne from her previous vice arrest. And Leroy he knew as her immediate supervisor. This was news to me, but not surprising. Since this was the first time Officer Friendly had met me, he was willing to believe my explanation that I was merely exchanging rubber tree plants. This act of faith on his part meant that I would be able to sit on the curb and watch as Leroy, Champagne, and her entire collection of house plants were loaded onto a paddy wagon and hauled away. This was not the first time that tears helped me in a moment of crisis with law enforcement and it would not be the last. But that's another story…