Zonies, Hungry Howie's, and The Supreme Court.

 I was raised in Yuma, Arizona, a town that borders Mexico; so I know that illegal immigration is a problem. I am so sick and tired of people saying I sound like a Republican when I admit this, because I am a middle of the road Democrat.

Today the U.S. Supreme Court upheld an Arizona law that imposes harsh penalties on businesses that hire illegal immigrants. Thank you, Supreme Court; or at least thank you to the five members who voted in favor of upholding this law. For the three that voted against it, maybe you three should go to any Home Depot in the state of Arizona, look for the men hanging out under the Home Depot sign, and give them your social security numbers!

In order to find work, illegal immigrants have used MY social security number repeatedly. To make matters worse, they have also used my children’s social security numbers. When my son was 10 years old, he was working as a bricklayer in Delaware; this would have been one helluva commute seeing as he was living in Arizona. When my daughter was 10 (they are twins), she was working as a waitress in Sedona, Arizona. This is not as much of a commute, but I can assure you, she was not sneaking out at night and hitchhiking up north.

I do believe that a state employee stole our social security numbers when I applied for WIC (Women, Infants and Children) benefits. That is the only place I can think of that had access to all three of our social security numbers. I have heard that it is very uncommon for every member of a household to have their numbers stolen, unless of course it is someone close to you that has access to that information. At the time our numbers were stolen, there was no one that close.

I first found out that my number was being used when I applied for unemployment benefits several years ago. The state employee that was processing my claim was asking me to confirm the places I had worked over the years. When he asked if I had worked as a bricklayer (which seems to be a popular career path with illegal immigrants), I laughed and said, "No, I'm a girly girl, I don't do manual labor." He then asked if I had ever worked as a construction worker, carpet layer, or as a cook at Hungry Howie’s (no, no, and no).

I wrote down every company were my social security number showed up and called them. Some I got answering machines and left messages; they never called back. Some I got a “this number is no longer in service” recording. Some just hung up on me when I began to explain my situation.

When I called Hungry Howie’s (I had no idea what Hungry Howie’s was), someone answered the phone! It turns out; Hungry Howie's is a pizza/sandwich shop. I asked to speak to the manager, and when he got on the phone, I told him about my dilemma. I asked him how Hungry Howie’s verifies someone's eligibility to work in the United States. He told me they required two forms of identification. I then asked, “what kind of identification is acceptable?” He replied, “any.” Any? Every time I have ever been hired they have always wanted a picture I.D. (Drivers license, passport, state I.D., military I.D., work visa, or green card) and my original social security card. He then asked me if I was a reporter; when I said no, I am a victim. He ended our phone call.

I really hope Hungry Howie’s loses their business license.

For those of you that think this law is unfair, take your hiney to any Home Depot in any state that borders Mexico, and hand your social security card to one of the guys hanging out under the sign.

The Pottery Barn, Sammy Hagar and Cheating Husbands..

I just got home after driving in Richmond's rush hour traffiic and might I suggest...

1. License plate numbers should be replaced with cell phone numbers. Instead of having to speed up to get in front of annoying drivers so I can slam on my brakes to send them a message, I could, politely, call them up and critque their driving. After about a week of these idoits being cursed out for driving like my Grandma Betty, we might see some improvement.

2. After braking 5 times, for no damn reason, cars should just explode! Vaporize! With nothing left to show for them but their license plates. Which will be swept up at midnight and delivered to the next of kin the following morning. What a relief it will be to know that your husband didn't come home because he was a lousy driver, and not out cheating all night.

3. Classical, easy listening and country music should not be allowed to be broadcasted during rush hour. Only songs such as  'Radar love', 'I Can't Drive 55', and my fave, 'C'mon n Ride the Train' should be allowed.
(Posted at the end of this blog with be a list of acceptable rush hour music selections) 

4. Those Pottery Barn shopping, PTA attending SUV driving soccer moms should never, under any circumstance be allowed on the freeways during rush hour traffic. What? Were they out of Mini Vans the day you showed up to buy a car? Ya know the ones that would absolutely die if they got a drop of mud on their Dodge Dakota...

5. Ladies over 55 should not be allowed on our freeways between 6 and 9am and 4 and 7pm. Sorry girls. This also includes men over 65. Unless your name is Chuck.

6. People that buy Mustangs, Camaros, Evolutions, or any other high performance car and drive them like they're in a funeral procession. You know who you are!! Stick to surface roads. Better yet, trade that bitch in for a Buick! 

7. If you have gone to traffic school 3 times in 6 years for speeding, you should get an award, not punished.

Acceptable Rush Hour Music

I Can't Drive 55  (Sammy Hagar)
Radar Love (Golden Earring)
Going The Distance  (Cake)
Act a Fool (Ludacris) !
Fantasy (Aldo Nova)
December 1963 (The Four Seasons)
O.P.P. (Naughty by Nature)
Shake Your Grove Thing (KC and the Sunshine Band)
Strict Machine (Goldfrapp)
Whoomp! (Tag Team)
Young Guns (Wham! UK)
Bitch (Meredith Brooks)
C'mon n' Ride It (Quad City DJ's)
Close to Me (The Cure)
Just Like Heaven (The Cure)
Rebel Yell (Billy Idol)
Jump (Kris Kross)
Love Will Tear Us Apart (Joy Division)
Me So Horny (2 Live Crew)
More Than a Feeling (Boston)
Panama (Van Halen)
Pretty in Pink (The Psychedelic Furs)
Sexy Chick (David Guetta & Akon)
Sweet Emotion (Aerosmith)
Tenderness (General Public)
Too Shy (Kajagoogoo)
U Can't Touch This (MC Hammer)
Wiggle It (2 In a Room)
You Should be Dancing (Bee Gees)
Start Me Up (Rolling Stones)
I Want Your Sex (George Michael)
Vogue (Madonna) But only if you can keep yourself from 'vogueing,' which I can't. :(
I'm Gonna Be 500 Miles (The Proclaimers)
E.T. (Katy Perry featuring that stupid racist that's trying to sound like Lil' Wayne, Kanye West)
Pretty Vacant (The Sex Pistols)
Men in Black (Will Smith)
It Takes Two (Rob Base) Followed by Joy and Pain
Stomp (Kirk Franklin and God's Property)
Dynamite (Taio Cruz)
Enter Sandman (Metallica)
Bodies (Drowning Pool)
Creep (Radiohead)
Blister in the Sun (Violent Femmes)
Let it Rock (Kevin Rudolf & Lil' Wayne)
Homies (Insane Clown Posse)
Hypnotize (Biggie Smalls)
Alive with the Glory of Love (Say Anything)
Kashmir (Led Zeppelin)

Those are just a few of my faves! As you can see, almost every genre of music is listed.

House Plants, Paddy Wagons, and Women of Ill Repute

When I was 22 years old, I was dumb. My ex-roomie was a girl named Champagne. At 21, Champagne was wild. Her life was like a slow motion train wreck; I wanted to look away but I couldn't because I didn't want to miss what was going to happen next. So, when she arrived at my place at 2 a.m. one hot North Carolina night with her new guy Leroy at the wheel, and asked me if I wanted to go shopping for house plants, I said, "Sure." Remember, I was 22 and I was dumb.

The car was one of those Cadillac's from the mid-seventies that was so long that it could be called a land yacht. It was a big car, just the right size for Leroy. He was sitting in the driver's seat, passenger's seat, and the back seat-- all at the same time. For Leroy, the Cadillac was a compact. I squeezed into the back seat behind him like a mama in a corset.  

Our first stop was the place with the Helpful Hardware Man. The Helpful Hardware Man who had not yet had the pleasure of meeting Champagne. This was the night that Champagne had discovered that she wanted to have a green thumb. The Hardware Man had been helpful enough to leave his entire inventory of house plants outside the store conveniently on the curb. Champagne hopped out of the hooptie and helped herself.

Inspired by her example, I realized this was the perfect opportunity to return a rubber tree plant I had purchased from K-Mart two days before it died in my living room. At this point I'm thinking, "Exchange!" Without all the paper work, the waiting in line and explaining that I didn't murder the plant, that it was suicide.

We rush back to my place to drop off the beginning of Champagne's garden and fetch the worldly remains of the late, great rubber tree plant. It was a short ride to K-Mart. I was glad to see that there were rubber tree plants still in stock. Leroy took the dearly departed rubber tree plant from the 'cars trunk', and returned it to the potted rubber tree plant forest. I was content to make an equal exchange, a living rubber tree plant for a dead one. But Champagne suggested that I upgrade and go for the 9ft jumbo potted rubber tree plant. Taking into account my inconvenience, I could see her point. The trunk of the Caddy and the trunk of the rubber tree plant was 9 feet long, giving the Caddy a plume of 3 feet of excess rubber tree plant. Maybe that was too much. At least the police seem to have thought so, giving new meaning to the phrase, 'Blue Light Special.'

Officer Friendly explained to me that he knew Champagne from her previous vice arrest. And Leroy he knew as her immediate supervisor. This was news to me, but not surprising. Since this was the first time Officer Friendly had met me, he was willing to believe my explanation that I was merely exchanging rubber tree plants. This act of faith on his part meant that I would be able to sit on the curb and watch as Leroy, Champagne, and her entire collection of house plants were loaded onto a paddy wagon and hauled away. This was not the first time that tears helped me in a moment of crisis with law enforcement and it would not be the last. But that's another story…

So You Think You Know Christianity

Christianity is a topic, like interior decorating, that most of us think we know well enough to judge, yet suffer no detectable curiosity to learn what we do not know.  With interior decorating, expertise is a matter of cushions, plaids and wall coverings.  With Christianity, the obvious is not so plain to see.  The library has yet to be built large enough to house the definitive debate on the nature and reality of 'true' Christianity.  Armies of Christian theologians might never have ink enough among them to resolve that.  This splatter of words is but a drop in that sea.  Instead, this thimble-full examines the confusions between the Christianity of Bush and bumper stickers to the Christianity of the Bible (or, more specifically, the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, found in the first four books of the New Testament, often called the Gospels).

When U.S. President Harry Truman said, "This is a Christian nation," he was speaking of the United States of America.  Whatever merit the quote might have in terms of demographics (The number of Americans identifying themselves as Christians as opposed to the number of Americans identifying themselves as, oh, Scientologists, for example), the assertion leads to an immediate, obvious and flawed conclusion:  'You can learn something about 'Christians' by observing the U.S.A. and its people.'  Though President Truman cannot be held entirely responsible for causing the resulting confusions (in the way he might be held responsible for, say, the dropping of atomic bombs on Japan), it seems obvious that his observation is, at minimum, a product of such confusion.

If no less authority than Harry Truman declares this mystery with such confidence, then little wonder that Joe Citizen lives in a state of confident confusion.  For his part, Jesus of Nazareth said, "My kingdom is not of this world (John 18:36)", but then Jesus was not an American and he was certainly never President, so what could he know about it?

Many people know nothing more about Christianity than what they have learned from observations by and about the current resident of the White House:  George W. Bush (as diverting as speculations about Truman spinning in his grave might be, they remain beyond the scope of this paper).  "W" (as his supporters seem to prefer) has made much of his personal, 'Christian' faith and its role in his life and his time occupying the White House.  In the context of and in alliance with what is deemed the 'evangelical Christian' political right wing of his Republican party; "W" presents a cluster of examples of his (and by extension, 'their') brand of 'Christianity'.  Some examples follow:

1.      God is on 'our' side in the war in Iraq… and Afghanistan… and (fill in the blank).

2.      God is just (meaning "pro-death" penalty in 'capital' cases).

3.      God is anti-gay.

4.      GOP stands for God's Own Party.

5.      Bush is God's co-pilot and/or Quarterback.

In an interview during the NBC-TV talk show "Meet the Press" on February 8, 2004,

"W" said, "I'm a war president….  I make decisions here in the Oval Office on foreign policy matters with war on my mind."  Contrast "war president" with the honorary title frequently attributed to Jesus of Nazareth: "Prince of Peace."  The phrase comes from a description of the anticipated Messiah (or Christ) found in the Old Testament book of Isaiah, which Christians commonly ascribe to Jesus.  In the book of John in the New Testament, Jesus tells his closest associates ("W" might think of them as a 'Cabinet'… or cronies) "Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  (John 14:27 [emphasis added])."  War.  Peace.  H'm…one of these things is not like the other.  Alas, no TV cameras were present to record Jesus when he made his remarks.

            The so-called 'pro-life' position of "W" and his so-called 'Christian' allies bumps into an extravagantly self-contradictory brick wall when it comes to state executions of prisoners:  During his 6-year tenure as the Governor of Texas, "W" commuted one (1) death penalty and permitted 152 executions.  If death by execution is 'pro-life' and 'pro-life' is 'Christian,' then Texas is the most 'Christian' state of all; Texas has been home to more executions than any other state.  By way of perspective, in the interval between 1976 (when the death penalty was re-instituted in the United States) and 2005, the Commonwealth of Virginia (second in the nation in the state-by-state execution derby) committed a paltry 94 executions.  In six years, "W" condoned 58 executions more than Virginia could muster in 19 years of trying.

            In this, as in so many, many, many things, "W" remains adamant, unwavering and obstinate:  On the occasion of the 1,000^th (yes, one thousand human beings dead) execution in the United States since 1976, "White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Mr. Bush (sic) "Strongly supports" the death penalty."  By contrast, Jesus, speaking for himself, said, "I did not come to judge the world, but to save it.  (John 12:47)"  Jesus also said, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.  (Luke 6:37)"  "W" seems to be a macho, manly, deadly orange to the applesauce of Jesus.  To be fair and balanced, of course, it must be acknowledged that Jesus himself is said to have been executed by the state.  That might color his judgment…er, opinion.  The Governor of Judea, Pontius Pilate, might have been more inclined to agree with the former governor of Texas.

            One point on which "W" and Bible-thumping right wing 'Christian' 'evangelicals' among Republicans seem to take pride in making a 'Christian' slam dunk is Divine animosity toward homosexuals, homosexuality and, to borrow a phrase from Republican governator of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 'girly men'.  The Old Testament gives voice to this idea:  As Moses announces the Law in the book of Leviticus, he warns, "If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable "Now we are talking a "W" brand of 'Christianity'!  Needless to say, this goes hand in glove with his death penalty tally in Texas.  Sure, Leviticus also characterizes eating shellfish as an "abomination (Leviticus 11:10)" and the Old Testament generally is rife with admonitions, prohibitions and abominations; and, it's fair to say that Reformed Judaism rejects the various 'lifestyle' strictures as confined to the Judaism of Old Testament times, but here the Bible, the bumper stickers and the 'no gay-marriage' politics of the Republicans seem to have found a measure of convergence.

They must be put to death. (Leviticus 20:13

            This is what Jesus says about homosexuality and homosexual relations: nothing.  Not a word on men-with-men or women-with-women; no abominations – pure, divine, holy nothing.  So, is nothing holy?  In the book of Matthew, Jesus does say that the second greatest commandment is, "Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39)"  No footnote excludes homosexuals…or Iraqis…or death row inmates.  (In a curious omission, a 'Thou Shalt Not' against homosexuality is noticeable by its absence among the original Top Ten Commandments – though adultery does make that list.)  Whether or not Jesus Christ makes a model Christian remains open to dispute, but it seems clear enough, by virtue of his very silence, that on the issue of homosexuality, Jesus would make a very poor Republican.  (Once again, to be fair and balanced, Jesus is reported to have spent most of his time in the company of twelve [ahem] men.)

            Maybe all of the seeming differences between Jesus Christ and the 'Christianity' of "W" boils down to an idea best expressed by G.K. Chesterton:  "The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried."

 (I know this is dated, "W" is no longer in office, but right-wing nut jobs still, and will always feel this way)